I can't remember exactly when it all started ー the self-loathing, insecurity and dissatisfaction with my own body ー but my best guess is sometime around high school. On the outside, I was outgoing and athletic. I had tons of friends from volleyball and never felt like I was an outcast in school. And yet, I was a hot ass mess inside.
I remember coming home after school, famished from starving myself all day, and binge eating everything in sight. All of my fears, worries and responsibilities melted away when I was eating alone. It took my mind off of things. It was cathartic, and it calmed me. But then, time after time, the same looping soundtrack would flood my mind: "You're worthless. You're a failure. You have no self-control - you can't even control how much you're eating!" The remainder of the night would be spent feeling depressed and ashamed of my actions - promising myself that I wouldn't let it happen again. The next few weeks I'd starve the hell outta myself, then finally "give in" and binge. Repeat. And repeat. (I'm exhausted just thinking about it, tbh).
I started college at UC Berkeley and moved into the dorms, feeling exhilarated at the promise of a fresh start. I adored college. I made incredible friends that I love with my entire heart. I learned so much about myself, but one thing that I couldn't seem to shake was my disordered eating. When I "controlled" my eating (restricted), I felt on top of the world and in-control. When I returned home for Thanksgiving break my freshman year 15 pounds lighter, the compliments flooded in. Everyone wanted to know my secret. I told them "oh not much.. just eating healthy and exercising!" but inside I wanted to scream "I'M STARVING MYSELF BECAUSE I FEEL INSECURE IN MY OWN BODY." I felt like a fraud.
Fast forward. I graduated college and moved to San Francisco. Things with food had improved slightly, thanks to being a few years older and a bit more secure with myself. But I was fed up AF with my turbulent relationship with food, and finally ready to make a real change. And the first step was realizing that for once, I couldn't solve this problem on my own. I rallied the troops - and by troops I mean Molly Alliman. Molly is not only a mentor, friend and fellow food instagrammer, but she singlehandedly helped heal my relationship with food.
I am by no means perfect. I still have days where I'm stressed out and have the urge to either skip dinner or dive headfirst into a carton of ice cream (I wouldn't say moderation is one of my strengths). But I remind myself that it's just a coping mechanism, and remember that I'm a badass bitch who's in charge of my own goddamn happiness.
I see so many women going through the same struggles I did and sensationalized social media makes it even harder to break from the vicious cycles. I created this brand to show that nourishing your body and living your best life don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You can do both, and you deserve to do both! Life is too short to eat basic food, and eating like a Kween isn't just for special occasions. You work hard. You play hard. You deserve to live — and eat — like royalty.